Overwhelmed? 7 Ways to make things simple.

In the book No Mud, No Lotus: The Art of Transforming Suffering, author Thich Nhat Hanh tells the story of Badhiya.

Badhiya was in command of many soldiers, was in a very powerful position, and had a lot of money. He was persuaded to become a monk and finally gave in, leaving everything behind and walking empty-handed into the forest. He then had three robes, one ball and a setting mat.

One night when meditating, he spontaneously started muttering “Oh, my happiness”.

Other monks heard and asked him the next morning what it meant. And he said that in his life he had so many things and even soldiers guarding him but was always afraid robbers would come in and kill him or take his valuables. He lived in fear day and night; but the previous night he realized he now had nothing to lose. For the first time, he felt safe. He had nothing and, yet, finally had everything.

A word that came up in client discussions this week is “simple”.

The more we have, the more complex things can become, and the more we worry about losing them. At what point does this affect our happiness?

Taking a moment to recognize what may not be simple for you can be key to making changes to reduce what may be cluttered in our lives.

Here are some ways to do this.

What is cluttered in my head now? Do a brain dump. I am a huge fan of this! Getting everything out of your head and on paper helps you see it in a different way and can provide relief.

What things can I not do, or can I not do now? Notice what you may have been in the habit of doing that isn’t necessary anymore or at this time.

What items do I not have any control over? Recognize those things that you may be trying to control or fix that you do not have ownership of. Make a mental note to set them aside.

What relationships do I need to end or reduce? We have relationships at different times for different reasons. Relationships can be cyclical and sometimes they need to end and new ones to start.

What can I train someone else to do? I have not been a good delegator but have become better when looking at delegation in this way. When I can train someone else to do a task that I don’t want to do or don’t like to do, it is a way to help in their development or give them business. Delegating can be a form of mentorship.

What is my best next step to take? If it is a larger issue with many steps that are either unclear or overwhelming, simply looking at the best next step for you helps to break it down so you can move forward.

What am I to learn in this very moment? When we have a lot to do and a lot on our minds, it is easy to mentally be with those things and not be in the present moment. Reminding yourself to simply be in the present moment and asking yourself what it is you are to learn or notice at this very time can be enlightening.

When we continually add more to our to-do lists or experiences or have a situation arise that affects us, it can be easy to become overwhelmed. Reducing what we have is a simple concept in itself, but not always easy.

How can you live in simplicity today?

Can’t Make A Decision? This One Word Will Help.

If I am having trouble making a decision there is one word I tune into.

That word is “should.” Here is how my thinking might go - Well, I should do this…

When the word “should” is used, it often makes it difficult for me to make a decision on something. It is a red flag.

Anytime you are thinking you “should” do something, it is a warning that you are talking yourself into it. It is a warning that you may be making that decision for the wrong reason.

“Should” indicates that this is something you don’t necessarily want to do, but you will feel guilty or shameful not doing it. Maybe you’ve even heard the phrase, “Don’t ‘should’ all over yourself.” When you are operating because you think you should, you are getting yourself off course from what is deeply imbedded inside you or what you truly want for yourself.

There are two reasons I see the word “should” come up in people. Both situations erode confidence and create unhappiness.

Comparing ourselves to others. It can be very easy to look at others and think that because they are doing something, it would be good for you, too. Particularly now with social media, it can be easy to fall into the trap of comparing and thinking that others are better than you, know more than you, or that you need to be doing things the way they are. Often, because we see someone doing something a certain way, we think we should, too.

Ask yourself this clarifying question: Is this right for me?

Doing what you think others expect of you. Sometimes people are very clear about what they want from us, like when we get asked to do something. But, just because someone asks us to do something, doesn’t mean we should do it. I see very often where someone says yes to something because they think they should, only to later regret it.

Clarifying questions: Is this what I want? Am I excited for this opportunity?

Sometimes, we assume what a person wants from us, therefore we think we should do it. When this happens, we are guessing and operating based only on an idea that may not be reality at all. We can find ourselves making decisions and doing things, not only based on what we think others want us to do, but based on something that could be completely inaccurate, as well. Specifically asking about and discussing our assumptions can be helpful.

Clarifying questions: Has this person told me directly that this is what they want from me?

Agreeing to something because we think we should comes from our ego. It is telling you what you should do in order to appear or act a certain way. This takes us away from our purpose and can make us stuck. This is the part that wants to save us from some sort of pain. This is the part that wants to make us look good to others so we don’t feel stupid or have shame. This is the part that wants us to not feel badly by not going along with what another person wants us to do because we don’t want to disappoint them.

I need to say this also - there are some “shoulds” we need to do for a variety of reasons, even though it is a “should.” A task at work could be one of them. You may not want to do it but know you should because that is part of your job, and you want a paycheck. You may be tired and not want to go to your child’s soccer game one night after work but know that you should be there for them. These are examples of good “shoulds.”

Knowing why you are doing an activity or making a decision is important. You may decide to do it anyway, but recognizing what “shoulds” you have, and your reason for doing them, can help you spend more time on the things that align with your gifts ultimately making you more happy, more fulfilled and living out your purpose.

5 Key Questions to Help you Better Understand your Life's Purpose

We all feel “off” once in a while. When most people come to talk with me it is because they have felt this way for some time. Can you relate? I hear the words unsatisfied or stuck. I hear that they don’t feel like they are contributing to something meaningful, or they are unhappy and just know they don’t want to feel this way.  

To address this, we’re going to go back to the day you were born. On that day, when you were formed as a human being, you were given a unique and special set of gifts. These were “hard wired” into you as a person. In other words, it is a special code imbedded in you as to what you are good at and how you can contribute to the world. 

The tricky part of this is you aren’t told what that code is! Wouldn’t it have been nice if you were given your own personal manual that you left the hospital with and that you were able to access any time you want? It would have been great if you could look at it and know right away, I am better at playing the piano and reading music. Or, oh, I am more gifted than others at understanding people. What about the areas in which your brain doesn’t work as well? Like, while you have been given the gift of being able to write descriptively, you are going to have trouble interpreting time and will often be late. 

Well, we weren’t given this “gift manual” or code. So, that leaves it up to us to figure out as we go through life. After all, isn’t that really what we are all trying to do? In a variety of ways, we’re all looking to find what this code is that’s locked inside of us so that we can be our best selves and contribute to the earth in a way that satisfies what we were born to do. These are the reasons we are here and the legacy we are to leave in this world. Understanding what this is and then being intentional about using these gifts in your work and life is what satisfies us and brings us meaning.  

To complicate matters even more, as we are living our lives and looking for this code, that we often don’t even know we’re looking for, there are influences around us that further affect our search. These influences are people and experiences that we have that shape who we are. Sometimes these influences serve us well on our journey to find our gifts, and sometimes they don’t and can actually get us off track. Our gifts and code are unique to us and throughout our lives can be either nurtured, buried, or can get derailed. How we interpret our experiences can either keep us on course or take us off course.  

When we are off course, we are stuck. When we are off course, we feel “off.” We are unhappy and unfulfilled.  

Here are 5 key questions to help you better understand your code: 

1. What am I good at? List all.

2. What do I love to do that completely energizes me?

3. What don’t I like to do or what drains my energy? Note here, these could be things listed in question one. Just because you are good at something, doesn’t mean it fits your purpose.

4. Regardless of what anyone thinks, or any other influences, what legacy do I want to leave that is unique and special to me? What things do I not want to leave this earth having not completed?

5. What fears do I have that are getting in my way?

It is said we spend the first half of our life proving ourselves, and the second half finding meaning. Understanding your specific code is a key to this and once you are on that path, even the hardest work is fun and fulfilling. You have a specific purpose. It is time to find it and take action.

Overwhelmed and Not Productive? Use the Small Approach.

This week I’m surrounded by overwhelmingness. I have multiple large work projects that I need to move forward and would like it to go faster.  The more I push this, the less productive I feel.  

I’m seeing this with clients, too. And when things start to feel overwhelming, we can get in our head, overthink things, and get in our own way.  When I feel this happening, I like to think small and remind myself that 

Each small action leads to something BIG.

I recommend many of my clients keep an Insight and Celebration Calendar. The idea is that each day you write one insight you’ve had about yourself or one thing you are proud of from that day. The reason for this is because most people don’t realize the impact the small steps they take can have. In taking a moment to note it each day, when they look back, they realize all the small steps are preparing them for and leading to something big.

Recognizing the small steps are just as impactful as big steps because they, too, are movement.  And thinking about the small steps can be less overwhelming and can open up the flow of the work to be done.  

Here are some things I use to remind me to think small:

Start with my breath. I stop and concentrate on my breathing.  I recently read a book in which the author recommended smiling as you breathe in and out.  It is a deceptively simple concept and now I rather enjoy sitting there smiling as I breathe. It is a reminder to me that this small action affects more than just my face.

Revisit my purpose. Here is where I refocus on not only the purpose of my to-do list for that day, but my overall life purpose as I understand it to be right now.  For me, my goal is to live in the present moment, enjoy and recognize the gifts I have, and help others do the same.

What is my best next step? Asking this question from a calm place helps to provide clarity regarding moving forward in that moment. Many times, my best next step is something small to get me going.

Remind myself to trust.   I decide to trust that each thing I do will be on the path needed at that time. This helps me to focus on what I am doing now instead of thinking about what I am not doing. I trust that the rest will come in time. 

Thinking big has its benefits. It’s where we can plan for further down the road regarding what we want to accomplish.  Thinking small has its benefits, too.  This is where we can focus on the moment we are in and create the action to move us toward larger goals.  

In what ways can thinking small help you today?

2 Ways to Move Forward That Are Contrary to What You've Been Taught

A theme I heard this week in my coaching sessions was this sentence. “I bet you are going to tell me to do _______.”  

This assumption on what they thought they should do often had them stuck. We most likely have been taught to make a plan first, and then move forward. While I believe this to be sound advice, in some cases it just doesn’t work.

So, this leads to a couple of contrary beliefs I have that sometimes need to be employed about moving forward and getting something done.

First, setting goals in a timeline is what the general framework is for starting a project or a plan, but here’s a radical thought ...

Sometimes you don’t need a plan.

There have been many times when I get so caught up in trying to create a plan and the steps within it, that it stops me from moving forward. This leads to the next point ... 

What is your next best step, not “right” step,
but the next best step … for you?

What we’ve been taught is that there is a right way and a wrong way to do things. Because of this, in some cases, we often forget to check in with ourselves and determine what we feel is our best next step.

This knowledge comes from a different place inside you. It’s not your head thinking (cognitively trying to solve a problem using all you have learned) but instead, what I call your Knowing Center - what your gut or intuition is telling you to do in the moment.

Sometimes what our gut is telling us to do is impractical. However, simply taking the best next step for you can help you learn as you move forward. It can help you clarify what you want to do while you are doing it. This action leads to gathering information and can feed into your plan becoming clearer.

Your action then leads to a plan.

You may have heard the phrase “building the plane while flying it.”  This is the art of simultaneously taking action and creating the plan as you go.  Sometimes this is just what is needed. 

Getting stuck on what you need to do next can occur because our head interferes with our desire or our internal voice telling us to move forward in a certain direction. All you need to ask yourself is …

What is the best next step for me?

Do you keep carrying your past into your future?

So often what happens in sports can be related to life. This was true for me this week while playing tennis.

Here’s what I noticed. When I would lose a point, my brain would immediately start trying to solve what I did wrong. Positioning? Form? This is an important stage in learning… until I realized that I was still thinking about the last point when I went into the next point.  Since I wasn’t mentally present in that next point, I had more of an opportunity to lose that one, too. Then, a losing streak begins.

It wasn’t until I developed this mantra, that I was able to solve this. 

The only point that counts now is the present one.

Yes, it is important to learn from past experiences. And, then mentally moving on to focus on the next moment is what brings success and satisfaction. This opens the opportunity for new experiences - and more learning and growth, whatever that may be. So now, I relate this to my work and my life.

The only moment that counts now is the present one.

I read somewhere that your current moment is a moment of power. This very moment, even as you are reading this, is an opportunity to make a choice or decision about how to move forward. How will you use it?

Here are some things I use to help me when staying in the past may not be serving me:

Recognize my past. It is so important to recognize past experiences and how they make you feel.  Our past experiences shape us into who we are.  Asking the questions: 

• Is there something I can learn from this that I can control?

• Is there something I need to accept?

Frankly, sometimes the answer is that the other player is just better than me and there’s nothing that I can do right now but play my best.

What is my deadline? I allow myself a certain amount of time to look at the past. In tennis, you only have until the next serve. In life, it may not be that simple. Maybe there is grieving or more transition time needed. Determining how much time is enough for you and then focusing on the present moment, the moment of power, can help. 

• How much time do I want to give this?

• What is my purpose now?

Make a plan. After my match, I may decide to take time to revisit what didn’t work. That is the time that I make a plan for moving forward.

• Do I need more instruction or practice? 

In life, I take time to make a plan for what isn’t serving me and is keeping me from using my moments of power. 

• Do I need help from a coach or therapist?

• Do I need to create or revisit my life goals and purpose to have direction?

The only moment that matters now is the next one.

How will you use it?

Two Tricks for Overcoming That "I'm Not Getting Enough Done" Feeling

Do you move through your day and sometimes still feel like you aren’t getting enough accomplished?

I know the feeling well, and that is why there are two things that I do to help motivate and satisfy my need to see progress.

They are: 

Journaling.  Journaling can be both motivating and therapeutic. It is a way you can get out of your head what you were thinking and place it somewhere else. Whether you are new to journaling or do it regularly, here are some things to try … and the best part, there’s no right or wrong way to journal.

• Automatic writing - Set a timer for a certain amount of time (you can start small, like 5 or 10 minutes) and then write whatever comes to mind in that time.

• Writing what happened in your day – This can be your situation, thoughts or impressions.

• Asking a question you would like an answer to - Think about your question, then write what comes to you and let that flow on paper. Picture the answer coming not from your head, but from the center of your body.

• Writing about dreams – These can be both literal dreams or dreams you have for your life.

• Reread your entries from the past few days – As you review, underline any insights or information that strikes you and write about that. 

Insight and Celebration Calendar.  This is a method I created. You’ll need a weekly and monthly calendar. Here’s how it works:

• On the weekly calendar, split each day into two areas - one for your intentions for the day and one for what you are proud of when the day is done. Fill this out accordingly.

• For the monthly calendar, write any item that you think is noteworthy to record. This can be either something that happened that you are proud of, something accomplished, or an insight that you have had.

I’m very surprised when I look back at the end of my month regarding how much I've actually accomplished, either recognizing things I did or seeing how much I grew as a person. This process will help you keep track of what is most meaningful, see how far you have come, and, most importantly, celebrate you!

Rethinking Having to Be Brave

This week I have had many days of back-to-back meetings and some tough conversations. I found myself bolstering up to start my day and thinking about boldly tackling what was ahead.

Can you relate?

Others that I talked to this week could. A theme I’ve noticed surfacing with clients and in conversations is bravery. What does bravery mean to you?

For me, it conjures a picture of someone putting on armor and moving forward to perform a heroic act. This act is a battle, a battle against someone, or a battle within themselves, to create a certain outcome. Bravery happens during seemingly impossible odds.

This is sometimes me depending on what I have on my calendar or my to do list. I have “dragons” to slay during the day whether it be items to move forward, conversations to be had, or ideas to implement. Some days are tiring. Some days I need to be brave.

But do I? What if, in actuality, there is no dragon? What if the “battle” is based partly on my imagination?

Because when I look at the days in which I am not tired, days in which I have gotten a ton done and I’m energized, I feel like bravery was not needed. In those days, instead of slaying some imaginary dragon, I am showing up just as I am and letting others, or situations, meet me just where they are. If it works on these days where I can move forward in the direction I want, great. If it doesn’t, that’s great too. Because I will learn and find a new path.

This does not mean I will give up easily or not put in effort. Instead, my bravery means I can move forward with a steadfast conviction of inquisitive joy and an openness to what will happen, not a rigid tightness. These are the days I show up in the world as I am, take off more of the armor, and see the world not as something to be conquered, but something to be explored.

Want less stress? Here's one word to help you get there.

Last week I strained my shoulder.  I was lifting weights and overdid it. 

My workout mentality is this – I only have so much time to work out so I need to push myself to get anything out of it.  If I am not somewhat uncomfortable, if I am not giving it my all, then my result will be less.  I even have trouble going out for a walk because this seems too easy.  

This thought process can be applied to many things that I set out to do in my work and life.

Can you relate? 

On the one hand, this is a great attribute!  This has gotten me to where I am today because I am driven.  On the other hand, it is a lot of pressure that causes stress – just like my shoulder injury. 

There’s a word that kept coming up in client sessions this week and then it jolted me when I realized this word was for me, too. It is the word gentle. 

I have to admit, for some reason I’m not a fan of the word in connection with things that I want to accomplish.  It feels fluffy to me. As if I can’t continue moving forward in that state. I picture someone gently sitting, not going in any direction.  

But then I wondered  - how much more effective would I be 
if I moved forward with gentle consistency?

This took some time for me to internalize.  Here are some questions that helped me and may help you, too:

• In what ways would being gentler serve you?

• In what ways would you benefit by being gentler with others? 

• In what ways would you benefit by being gentler with yourself? 

Taking a breath, reminding myself every day of my purpose, and gently moving forward with consistency helps me to be more aware. This awareness keeps me from pushing myself and others too hard, potentially risking overdoing it, which can be a detriment to progress. 

As I restart my workouts, I know gentle consistency will serve me much better. And, I have really started to enjoy my walks.

How Mindfulness Needs Awareness

Recently, while I was in a doctor’s office for a routine exam, a young man walked in. 

He was tall, making his age hard to detect as he went to the counter and asked the two women checking in patients if they had a phone charger he could use. They hesitated, but then asked for the type of phone and started opening drawers to look.  

I sat in the waiting room with several other people and listened while this happened. When the young man turned around, I looked at his face and noticed fear, sadness, and I also realized how much younger he was than I previously thought. Early high school, maybe.

This is when I asked him if he was in trouble and if he needed any help. He said he didn’t know where he was.  

Mindfulness is a buzzword now and I love it. It is so important. There’s another word that has been resonating with me and also my clients lately, and that is awareness.

Awareness is a sibling to mindfulness. 
How often do you really notice what is going on inside you (self-awareness) 
but also around you?

I make it a practice to be aware and this helps me be mindful.  One way I do this is by noticing detail.

• Detail when I am driving my car - What does the sky look like? The trees? The people who are out? I concentrate on noticing small details on my dashboard.

• Detail when I eat slowly - How does my food taste? How would I describe it to a friend? How much am I enjoying it?

• Detail when I am talking with people at work -  How do they seem today? Are they fidgeting? What else do I notice?

• Detail when doing tasks I normally dislike -  Folding warm laundry and noticing how it feels.

Many times, people mention being stuck in their head or that their thoughts are racing.

Taking a few deep breaths and making the decision to take a moment to be aware of detail helps me to be mindful.  When I am mindful, it also gives me the opportunity to be more grateful.

I can move about my day with greater purpose 
because it crystallizes what’s most important – 
this very moment I have right now and the connection to myself and to others.

And what about the young man? He was grateful that I talked with him until he was able to call a parent to pick him up after his friends had been goofing around and told him to get out of the car.

It would have been easy to mind my own business, keeping my head down and waiting for my turn to go to an exam room. But, I’m grateful for my awareness in that moment which helped me tune in to his needs and reach out to help. I believe I brought him comfort, and there was even an opportunity to do a little life coaching. 

How do you practice awareness?

Seven Fresh Ways to Set Your 2022 Goals

I have two things to admit:

1. I love setting goals and intentions.  

2. I have procrastinated doing them for this year

Why?  I am not sure.  So, I thought, what would be a fresh way to look at them for this year?  

That’s when I decided to set goals not only on doing but also on being.

Most people set goals on what they are going to do for the year.  However, setting goals on how you want to be is a different way of looking at it that really digs into how you want to show up in the world.  It is more meaningful whether it be for personal or business. 

I also reminded myself that done is better than perfect.  Just sitting down and getting something on paper is better than nothing. About 95% of the time, when I start with that thought it gets me a finished product I feel good about. 

Here are some questions to help you with your goal setting. 

Start with: 

• What am I proud of from last year? 

Last year, like most people, I had highs and lows. When I look back and do a summary of what I’m proud of, it reminds me that even though things didn’t entirely go as planned, there are things I can congratulate myself for.

• What would I like to do more of or keep fostering? 

This helps to weed out what is still a priority for you personally.

Next, focus on Being: 

• If I am at the end of my life, and looking back, what did I do to make it the most meaningful life ever? 

• What things within myself may be blocking me from doing what I want to do or might be getting in my way? 

And now, Doing:

• It is the end of 2022 and it was my best year ever.  What did I do to make it so? 

I am not big on goals with a ton of criteria.  To me, it takes all the fun out of goal setting.  Whether in personal or business, I set goals with a few intentions I have for getting there.  Then revisit it often and give myself a grade on where I am on each item, and whether anything needs to be adjusted. 

• What meaningful things can I do to help me stretch and grow as a person this year? 

Sometimes the things that scare us are the things that can help us to grow the most.  I add things to my list that remind me it may be helpful to get out of my comfort zone and how doing that fits into my overall plan.   

• What do I need to stop doing because it takes up space for the things I am really passionate about? 

This is an important question.  Because we are almost overwhelmingly exposed to what everyone else is doing, it is easy to look at something and think we should be doing it too.  The word should is a red flag.  Any time we use “should,” we know that thought is not helpful or healthy.

Life is like a seesaw or teeter totter.  Your situations and perspectives are constantly changing. Goals and intentions can help you to remember what is most important at different times and keep you on track for a year that is meaningful, fun and productive.  Make 2022 a year of being, as well as doing!

Quick Ways to Decipher What Your Feelings Are Really Telling You (and what to do with it)

Oh, feelings!  We hear a lot about them, but do we really examine them? I’m finding this topic coming up often this month, mostly due to the holiday season.  

I know I didn’t used to recognize my feelings.  Not only that, but I would bury them and pretend they weren’t there.  That has changed.

Feelings can sometimes get a bad rap. Based on what we believe about feelings, we may ignore what they are telling us. Here are some beliefs about feelings that I have had.

• Feelings are a sign of weakness.

• If you have feelings, you are too sensitive.

• Showing feelings in business makes you be seen as weak and, therefore, incapable.

I use my feelings now as an indicator of what I care about, but sometimes if I don’t identify them fully, they could stop me from moving forward, or just get in my way.

Here’s how I use my feelings to help me:

Identify what’s there. I answer the question - What am I feeling? Some of the words that tend to come up for me are stressed, excited, overwhelmed, yucky, off, energetic or tired. These first thoughts help with the next step.

Identify the basic feelings. There are eight basic feeling words. They are: hurt, lonely, sad, anger, fear, shame, guilt, and glad. Using just these words, helps me better get to the root of where I am emotionally.

For instance, I would describe my being overwhelmed as:

• Happy that I have work coming in.

• Guilty it will take time away from family.

• Fearful that I may not enjoy the holidays.

And what are my beliefs about that? Behind every feeling is a belief. Next, I identify my underlying beliefs that relate to these feelings in this situation. Often, these beliefs come from Head Thinking, thoughts and ideas that get muddled and cluttered from outside, or inside, influences. For instance, I believe I’m not going to be a good mother, wife, or friend if I’m spending too much time on work. I believe my work will suffer if I cannot spend more time on it. I believe that if I do not slow down and enjoy the holidays I may regret it.

Do a priority check and adjust. Next, I check my beliefs against my priorities. My priorities come from my Knowing Center, that place of personal truth deep inside of me. What is important to me at this point in time? Are there any adjustments that need to be made?

Here I determine that, yes, my work schedule is heavy but that makes me happy. I decide on a few things I will be intentional about to be sure I spend time with family. If I consciously make these decisions now based on my priorities, I can remind myself later of my decisions which will ward off regret.

My feelings show me what is important to me. Recognizing them and adjusting in these ways helps bring clarity and lets me cultivate what counts.

Want peace? Find unity within yourself, first.

A word that keeps coming up to me this week is the word unity. 

This unity is unity within ourselves.   What do I mean by this? Clients that I work with have some sort of struggle.   It is a struggle between where they want to be (or what they want their life to look like) compared to where they actually are.

This is a discourse in unity. When this happens, we spend significant time and energy trying to make the two match – our desired state, and our reality. We can often spend so much time thinking about how to make them match, that we actually go into overdrive trying to solve the problem. 

I often hear - I am thinking too much or I can’t calm my mind.  We typically look for an answer elsewhere. What are others doing? What can we learn? This is helpful, but most people miss the most important step - looking inside themselves.

There are two places information comes from.  The first is what I call your head thinking, or your thoughts, and the second is your knowing center, your intuition or gut. Tapping into your knowing center is being in touch with what is really important to you as a person, if you were to strip away all outside influences. 

I see several challenges in finding unity within – and offer some solutions.

• I don’t know. Sometimes when I ask people what they want for themselves, they don’t know or aren’t sure. 

Solution: Start first with what you do know now at this moment, while checking in with your center (not your head). Then, what is the next best step to take at this moment? Visualizing the desired end result can help.

• I don’t know how to get there.  You may know what you want, but don’t know how to get there. 

Solution: Transformation takes time. Regularly tapping into your knowing center is a new muscle to be exercised on a regular basis for it to grow stronger.  The more this happens, the easier it is to listen and be guided by your inner self. Then, take action to have it match your outer self and how you show up in the world to create unity.

• I know what I want and have some fear about it. Making a change can be hard and sometimes scary. Staying within your comfort zone, even if it doesn’t feel right, will not get you to follow your inner self and who you were meant to be using all your gifts. Regularly checking the information you have from both your head thinking and your knowing center and taking the best next step will have to get you there one moment at a time.

The first step is recognition. How satisfied are you with your life?  

You are here for a reason. You were here to make a difference on this earth in a way that most matters to you and uses your unique gifts. Unity is when you’re able to do this by being big, being bold and living your life by being the absolute you.

When is the last time you got in the flow of something you creatively enjoy?

This morning I wrote a poem. It has been a really long time, maybe more than a year since I attempted this type of writing. It has been harder for me to get to a creative place when work deadlines and family responsibilities have increased.

I know what prompted it. I actually took the time, more time, to sit in silence and to listen and  tap into my knowing center. Knowing Center is my term for our knowing - whether it be your intuition or that gut feeling. Most people tend to forget about it because of all of the thinking we do in our head. Our knowing center is there and can be really valuable, but is not often recognized.  

When you tap more into your knowing center you can make decisions based on the feeling in your core.  It comes from a different place that is more calming.  

Developing your knowing center can help you be more present, confident and creative and less stuck or lost. Exercising creativity is one way. The more creative we are, the more it helps us with the transactional items and to-dos we need to complete. 

Here are some ways to find this creative place. 

• Give yourself permission. When you feel like being creative, notice it and set aside time. This is a different way of your body telling you to recharge. 

• Breathe. As you breathe, concentrate on picturing your breath going in and out the center of your body. 

• Try automatic writing. Set a timer and write whatever comes to mind for five or ten minutes. Oftentimes, I am surprised what reveals itself here and it helps me to empty what is in my head.  This clears the way to be in a more relaxed state and operate from my knowing center.

• Small moments. Creativity doesn’t have to be something big or take a lot of time. A few lines of poetry, a quick sketch, or five minutes of brainstorming can be really satisfying. 

Enjoy the process! Tapping into your knowing and getting into a creative flow is like working a new muscle. It may take time to develop it, but it will help make you stronger in happiness and satisfaction in the end.

Ways to be Productive, Not Perfect

Here’s a picture: I’m at my desk with my to-do list and completely absorbed in my work. When I am finally done with what I’m working on, I look at the clock and think, “Wow, that took way more time than it needed to”. Can you relate? 

This week’s message is one I need to remind myself of often: 

Done is better than perfect. 

I can easily get myself off track when I start to craft the perfect email response, document or plan. The operative word there being “perfect”.  Even worse, I can get lost in an item that doesn’t warrant the amount of time spent on it. 

If my goal is to move things forward and work on what is most important to me, this can be detrimental. 

Here are some tips to help you remember that done is better than perfect.

Determine worth. Before starting an item, determine how much this item is imperative to your goals.  Is all day needed because it’s really that important, or is it really a two-minute item?  Does it need to be perfect (because it is a legal document for instance) or is “off the cuff” okay? 

Use a timer if needed.  I find this fun. It just helps me focus and stay on track, particularly on what I deem should be quicker items.

Determine fear. What is your fear behind making an item perfect?  Generally, for me, it is that the work is a representation of me and I want it to be excellent!  The trick here is that some items are okay being started and completed as best you can at the moment. 

One last look.  Of course, I don’t want to rush and do work that has errors in it.  The one last look to be sure it is enough for the job needed saves me this.  

Congratulate yourself.  With perfection can come the feeling of never being satisfied - even when we do great work.  Stop and recognize these moments!  Congratulate yourself on letting go of your perfectionism.  If you make a mistake, still congratulate yourself on being mindful of what is important to you and embracing your humanness. 

Done is better than perfect.  Enough said! 

Telling yourself you can't do something? Not so fast!

Have you ever had a goal you want to achieve, but then stop yourself because you think accomplishing that goal will be at the expense of something else?

Here is what it looks like either said out loud, or in internal monologue. 

I would love to do ___________ but if I do, then I can’t ___________.

This is what is referred to as Yes-But Thinking. 

It is true, your time and energy can only be spent in so many places.  If you say yes to something, you are saying no to something else.  The question is – are you spending your time on the things that are really important to you? 

Oftentimes I see that there are goals, projects or a dream that someone will have but they dismiss it very quickly due to Yes-But Thinking.

Not so fast!  Before you dismiss something that is important to you, here are a few things you can do to change it to Yes-And Thinking.

Assess the importance.  How important is this goal, project or dream to you and why? Which of these three categories does it fit in: 1) Others are expecting me to do it, 2) I would like to do it, 3) I would love to do it, 4) This is something I need to do before I die. 

The higher the number, the more meaning it may have for you, so giving it extra consideration is important.  By the way, if it is a 1, you may want to consider crossing it off your list entirely. And reassess what it is you really want in your life.

Visualize what Yes-And looks like.  Write it down.  Let’s play a game.  We are sitting here a year from now and you were able to do both things.  How did you make that happen? Oftentimes we dismiss our ability to be able to do something without strategizing it through completely.  Visualization is a strong tool to help you see accomplishment and get past mental roadblocks that may be in your way.

Use extra tools.  When using Yes-And Thinking, use all the strategic tools available.  What can you delegate?  What can you stop doing?  What could you ask for help with?  What do you need to change your expectations of to make room for what you really want? 

Create a plan.  Now that you can visualize how this can happen, create your plan.  What do you need to do to get there?  What timeframe can you set that makes it possible?  I find even working 10 minutes a day toward a goal can be satisfying.

Remind yourself often.  Once you have the Yes-And picture, it is easy to forget it.  Life gets busy and other distractions get in the way.  It is easy to fall back into patterns that are comfortable to us, rather than making Yes-And changes.  Read your plan often, put it in your mirror.  Whatever it takes to remind you that it is possible.

You have probably heard the saying; you can’t have it all.  However, you can put your focus, time and energy on the things that are really important to you at this moment.  So, maybe you can.  And Yes-And will help you get there. 

The Best Place to Find the Direction You Are Looking For

If you are feeling stuck or if something is not moving in the right direction in your life, you may be missing tapping into the greatest tool you have.  

One of the reasons I became a coach is because of what I have come to believe regarding all people.  

• That we are born with an internal “knowing” that applies to our life only.

• That this knowing is a gift - giving us our direction for what is to be done with our life that is meaningful. 

• That everyone is just trying to do their best to follow what their knowing is telling them, but often haven’t learned how to tap into it and listen to it.

So what exactly is your “knowing”?

If you have ever walked into a room with people who aren’t talking and get a sense of the mood in that room….this is your knowing.  Or maybe if you have walked into a physical place…with no people…and can get a feeling or sense about where you are…this is your knowing.  An example of this is when you are looking for a new place to live and get a feeling from that location … “This doesn’t work for me” or “Yes, this is it!”.

Getting information from your knowing, or Knowing Center, can come in the form of a feeling…or you might simply have a sense or awareness.  Some people hear their Knowing.  It can be difficult to describe tapping into this source because it is unique to each person.  I find it is helpful to have no expectations about a particular mode, but instead find what is true for you.  

We have been taught throughout life to utilize our head, or thinking.  This is also important as we gather information and analyze it but a next step often gets missed is utilizing both - your thinking and your knowing. 

Because of distractions we tend to dismiss this knowing, intuitive, or gut sense as not real. Some of us have been taught to think of it as not important so we ignore it. Sometimes, we just forget to use it.  

External forces also play a part.  This can be in the form of messaging from our parents, teachers or those influencing our growth and can directly impact what we think about ourselves. We try to make meaning of who we are. If we bring in this external information and don’t compare it to our own Knowing, our own Center, we can end up bouncing through life like a ball in a pinball machine.  We miss out on finding that place to rest and find fulfillment with ourselves. 

Learning to tap into and trust our Knowing Center helps to stop this and gives us direction. This can be done in meditation and stillness.  If you feel stuck,  this is one of the tools I can help you uncover to get the clarity you need.  

Tapping into our Knowing Center is one of the strongest tools we have as humans … and one that many of us don’t use enough.   You are here for a purpose….are you fulfilling it?  

Ways to Say What Needs to be Said

This week’s theme is saying what needs to be said. I have heard this often from clients: “I know I need to tell so-and-so this...but I’m afraid to because it will hurt them.”  I can certainly relate!  Can you?    

Many times, when people feel anxiety or stress, it is caused by one of two things:

(1) something they need to say or (2) something they need to do.

Something that needs to be said can be difficult to face!  The anxiety and stress is there because of the anticipation or knowing that this needs to be done, and that it’s a difficult task. 

Whether it be delivering feedback about performance at work or telling a romantic partner they want to break up, things that need to be said can linger due to fear.  How will they react?  How will they feel?  While you are holding onto this and not saying what needs to be said, it is causing negative energy to build and not serve you.

Today we will talk about ways to help you be in a mindset that makes it easier for you to deliver.  

And what about you? Remembering why it is good to provide feedback is important.  The first step I take as a coach is to ask, “Has there ever been a time you got feedback or information that didn’t necessarily feel immediately good, but helped you in the long run?  Tell me in what ways it helped.”  The answers to this demonstrate a period of growth and change for the person.  While the feedback or information may have been hard to hear, the recipient was thankful because it helped them in some way.

Separating fact from emotion.   As a deliverer, it is helpful for me to think about the facts of the situation, rather than the emotions that are tied to it.  Many times, we guess how the receiver will take the news and this is what we focus on.  Or, my own emotion, such as fear, is hindering me from remembering the facts.

Recognizing the common benefit.  Clarifying why this information benefits both parties is helpful.  For instance, “The goal is to provide you feedback so you can continue to learn and grow in your career” or “The goal is for both of us to be happy in a relationship long-term.”  Oftentimes, I start with this sentence.

A mindset of love. This may sound odd, but this helps to remind me that I do have their long-term growth and best interest in mind, even if in the short term, it may not seem that way.  When I think of delivering it with love, it is with respect and the genuine idea that I want the other person to be their best self. 

I’ll speak for me, you speak for you.  When delivering the information, it is helpful to not speak for the other person or assume how they are feeling.  Only discuss the facts as you experience them.

Ownership and responsibility.  Once the information is delivered, it is helpful to think that it is up to the receiver to do with it what they will.   I picture it as a “handing off” of information.  Your job was to provide the information, now they have ownership and can respond how they see fit.  It is not your responsibility, nor can you ultimately control how they will feel or react. 

Their reaction is data.   I like viewing how the receiver reacts as data. Oftentimes, it provides me useful information regarding our relationship moving forward.  What have I learned based on their reaction?  What decisions do I have to make about the relationship now?

Saying things that you feel need to be said is a healthy part of relationships…for both people.    And while it may never get completely comfortable, practice does help. 

When you say things that need to be said, you are also putting value on what is important to you and creating boundaries.  You are worth it!  And you are clearing the way to spend time on cultivating what counts in your life.

Ways to Harness Intuition and Creativity in your Work

Being creative is something I think about often in my work. After all, the gifts we bring to whatever work we are doing is the uniqueness in our ideas and the insight and energy to implement them.

Along with my coaching and consulting business, I co-founded a membership organization called The Table eleven months ago.  To learn more, see here.   

Before it was launched, all I had was a problem that I knew I wanted to be a solution for.  Joining up with the cofounder and bouncing ideas off of a founding board helped set the stage for the idea to become a reality.  Today, the Table has more than 215 members with 15 company sponsors and is changing the way diversity, equity, and inclusion efforts are implemented in our community.

The most important thing I do to cultivate creativity in my work
is to grow and utilize my intuition.

Does your intuition serve you well when you use it? Most people use this gut sense in a moment of decision. I like to use it when developing new ideas or reinvigorating myself on a current project or job.

Here’s how:

• Start with a brain dump. I think of everything I possibly can about the topic and record them on a piece of paper, grouping similar thoughts.  It is a messy process as I use it as a “clearing” to get everything out of my head. 

• Picture a future time with the project completed and successful.  What does that look like?  I describe it in detail on paper.  This helps to clarify what success looks like to me.   For instance, if we are sitting here a year from now, tell me what it looks like.

• Make a personal mission statement.  I make sure I know why this is important to me.  It is a deep why – answering the question of how it fits into the reason I think I am here on this earth.  If I already have a personal mission statement (and I do), I ask how it fits with that.

• Brainstorm with myself.  Next I actually have a brainstorming meeting with myself.  I do this brainstorming in two ways.  First, what opportunities and steps can I think of?  Next, I move it to my intuition.  What is my gut sense on this? What is coming to me that may defy all regular thinking?   I am amazed at what comes to me here.  Oftentimes my intuition gives me new thoughts, ideas, and encouragement. Sometimes it nudges me to move forward in a way I am not sure I completely understand.

• Determine next best step.  In my work, I have come to believe in this concept, rather than developing an entire detailed plan.  This is the “build the plane while you are flying it” philosophy.  The reason for it, when I have a really creative idea – I am not entirely sure how it will come together.  So, instead, I determine my next best step.  Once that is complete and new information is learned, I decide another next best step.  

• Revisit my mission, intuition, and best next step often. This is what motivates me, keeps me on track, and moves me forward. 

Creativity and innovation are not only sought after in today’s business community but provide solutions and purpose in our personal lives.  I remind myself; companies are just people who take at least one step toward their mission every day.  Utilizing your intuition in your creative process can bring you more in touch with cultivating what counts in your life. 

Does "Finish What You Start" hold you back?

A client dilemma resonated with me this week as she was stuck on a work project.  She said she didn’t want to start this project because she typically doesn’t finish things. 

This made me think of the sewing machine I just bought… and I don’t sew. I want to learn though. I hesitated with the purchase because it comes in a long line of things I want to try, some of which I haven’t continued with. 

This is something I hear often with high achievers. We have been taught to finish what we start. 

A typical trait of high achievers is that they are experiential learners and want to try new things for themselves. Because of this, traditional learning environments can be challenging. For instance, I was not a great student but I once figured out how to replace my own car battery by reading about it on the Internet. 

I asked my client, 

What if, instead of not finishing things, 
you are smart and decide what to continue with, and what to not?

There are many benefits in this way of thinking: 

• Fearlessness to try new things

• Resourcefulness to figure things out

• A constant curiosity for learning

• Determining new ways to do things

• Discovering new talents to use moving forward

• Discovering what doesn’t bring joy

Is this you? Here are some things you can do to help you move forward when you see “not finishing” as something that holds you back.  

• What things have you started and continued with?  Make a list.  Oftentimes, this gets overlooked.

• Reroute the thought.  When the thought of not finishing things stops me from starting, what can I replace that with that helps me?  For instance,  change “I never finish”  to “I choose to try new things” or “I choose to be curious”.

• Determine the next best step to move forward on the project. 

• Let go of any expectation of outcome. I know this is counterintuitive, but high achievers can spend time investigating the 100 next steps, become overwhelmed, and stop before they get started. Know your goal, why it is important to you and then concentrate on one step at a time.

• Make a conscious choice of stopping, if that’s what you determine is best. There is a difference between things getting hard and stopping or things you are giving yourself permission to stop. Determine what that difference is.

We all have gifts we were given at birth to use and contribute to the world. Wouldn’t it be great if we had a manual to tell us exactly what this is? Life is the exploration and the writing of this self-manual. Trying different things is a piece of this to be celebrated.

For me, I determined auto repair wasn’t in my future when I dropped the wrench into the car engine and it took me a while to get it out.   Learning to sew may be a different outcome.  I look forward to finding out!