Ways to Say What Needs to be Said
This week’s theme is saying what needs to be said. I have heard this often from clients: “I know I need to tell so-and-so this...but I’m afraid to because it will hurt them.” I can certainly relate! Can you?
Many times, when people feel anxiety or stress, it is caused by one of two things:
(1) something they need to say or (2) something they need to do.
Something that needs to be said can be difficult to face! The anxiety and stress is there because of the anticipation or knowing that this needs to be done, and that it’s a difficult task.
Whether it be delivering feedback about performance at work or telling a romantic partner they want to break up, things that need to be said can linger due to fear. How will they react? How will they feel? While you are holding onto this and not saying what needs to be said, it is causing negative energy to build and not serve you.
Today we will talk about ways to help you be in a mindset that makes it easier for you to deliver.
And what about you? Remembering why it is good to provide feedback is important. The first step I take as a coach is to ask, “Has there ever been a time you got feedback or information that didn’t necessarily feel immediately good, but helped you in the long run? Tell me in what ways it helped.” The answers to this demonstrate a period of growth and change for the person. While the feedback or information may have been hard to hear, the recipient was thankful because it helped them in some way.
Separating fact from emotion. As a deliverer, it is helpful for me to think about the facts of the situation, rather than the emotions that are tied to it. Many times, we guess how the receiver will take the news and this is what we focus on. Or, my own emotion, such as fear, is hindering me from remembering the facts.
Recognizing the common benefit. Clarifying why this information benefits both parties is helpful. For instance, “The goal is to provide you feedback so you can continue to learn and grow in your career” or “The goal is for both of us to be happy in a relationship long-term.” Oftentimes, I start with this sentence.
A mindset of love. This may sound odd, but this helps to remind me that I do have their long-term growth and best interest in mind, even if in the short term, it may not seem that way. When I think of delivering it with love, it is with respect and the genuine idea that I want the other person to be their best self.
I’ll speak for me, you speak for you. When delivering the information, it is helpful to not speak for the other person or assume how they are feeling. Only discuss the facts as you experience them.
Ownership and responsibility. Once the information is delivered, it is helpful to think that it is up to the receiver to do with it what they will. I picture it as a “handing off” of information. Your job was to provide the information, now they have ownership and can respond how they see fit. It is not your responsibility, nor can you ultimately control how they will feel or react.
Their reaction is data. I like viewing how the receiver reacts as data. Oftentimes, it provides me useful information regarding our relationship moving forward. What have I learned based on their reaction? What decisions do I have to make about the relationship now?
Saying things that you feel need to be said is a healthy part of relationships…for both people. And while it may never get completely comfortable, practice does help.
When you say things that need to be said, you are also putting value on what is important to you and creating boundaries. You are worth it! And you are clearing the way to spend time on cultivating what counts in your life.