When High Achieving Becomes Low Believing - And What To Do About It

I notice themes when working together with clients...and in myself.   This week is no exception.

Many of my clients are high achievers. They are “Type A” personalities - in control, setting goals and meeting them.  They drive themselves to reach their own high expectations and what they think are expectations of others. 

With this, they also notice aspects that aren’t serving them well. 

These are things like:

• Perfectionism

• Getting stuck in overthinking or feel as if they get in their own way

• Having trouble starting things for fear of failure and have defeating thoughts

• Inconsistencies in output - a high-level for a while, then low, which causes frustration

• Low self confidence

• Emotional tiredness

An acronym for the word shame is - 
Should Have Already Mastered Everything. 

High achievers can feel the need to do everything quickly, better than everyone else, and with little error.   When this doesn’t occur, self-defeating thoughts happen which perpetuates the undesired behavior. 

If this sounds like you, here are some things you can ask yourself:

• Who am I trying to prove myself to? Why?

• What is the backstory to this, or where does this come from?

• What would be some benefits of accepting mediocrity in myself?

• Record each negative thought for a day. What do you notice?

• If you were to create a peaceful, loving and forgiving image to picture in your mind to combat each self-defeating thought, what would it be?

• What loving mantra can you create to employ when you notice a reoccurring self-defeating thought happening? For instance, for perfectionism, “Done is better than perfect.” or, for any thought, “I love myself as I am.”

• Use this image and mantra for a day after each defeating thought. What do you notice?

• If you and I are sitting here a year from now and your self-defeating thoughts are completely gone, what did you do to make it so?

We all have gifts we were given when we were born. It is like a code that is just for us.  This code is what we are to bring to the world.  If only we had a manual!  The journey of our life is discovering what this is and writing our own manual. 

Then, overtime, what I call "clutter" gets in the way - how we perceive and interpret experiences that may not serve us.  Rediscovering these gifts and clearing the clutter brings more happiness, more fulfillment, and helps you to cultivate what counts.  

Do you have head chatter that isn't serving you? Here's what you can do.

Lately, I have been experiencing fear of regret. It comes in the form of unhelpful mind chatter.

Why? Because I have set my goals and intentions, laid out the course for my day, and sometimes it goes as planned, and sometimes not. Couple that with the occasional thoughts of whether I have set the appropriate goals and intentions, and well…am I really on the right course at all?  

The most important lesson I have learned is to recognize the chatter in my head and when it is not serving me.  Instead, I bring it out of my head and move it down to my center, or what I know.  This is a place that is peaceful and like a guidance system for what is important to me. 

I remind myself that this is where I set my goals from in the first place. In this case, I decided to use what I call A Message to Myself.  For me, this happens after meditation (or taking some deep breaths and concentrating on the center of my body) and with my journal.  I write a message to myself to remind me about what is deeply important in this moment, what my real purpose is, despite my thoughts that can sometimes tell me otherwise.

As an example, here is what I wrote and have been rereading for myself this week.

I will live life like the adventure it is. I will plan, but my plan will be an idea and not set in stone. Life does not have a concrete plan that goes exactly on course. Instead, it is an idea of a plan from a calming place, that then follows the bend in the road and sometimes goes off the road when necessary or needed.

I will plan my route but then stop to feel the richness in the earth, feel the wind on my face, and recognize the beauty of the land. I will stop to be in the moment and grateful for every opportunity I have at that moment. I won't long for the opportunities that I'm not having, for these are not meant to be had, if I am paying attention in that moment.

I will free myself from the thoughts of what I should do, and instead live in the blessing of what I can do. For these are the miracles of life that I have been granted to experience, use, and prosper from.

I will give myself permission to be free. I will give myself permission to set aside the negativity that ties me down or keeps me from enjoying that which I have the beauty to enjoy… in the moment.

Have you ever written a message to yourself to counter any thoughts that may be not serving you? For me, it brings clarity, peace of mind, and helps to cultivate what counts.

Do you say "yes" then regret it? Why and how to say "no".

Do you have a hard time saying no?  A consistent theme among many of my clients is saying yes to too many things and then regretting it.  I can fall into this pattern, as well, and have learned to be diligent regarding my schedule and what I am saying yes to. 

Here are some reminders that help me accept that saying no is not only okay, but healthy.

Is this something I really want to do? This is my first check. If the answer is an enthusiastic “yes”! - I am in. If I start thinking it is something I “should” do – that is a warning flag. Should means you are trying to talk yourself into it. How come? What is the real reason you want to say yes to something you don’t want to do?

Time is one thing we have that when it is gone, it is lost forever. When you say yes to something, you are saying no to something else. If you have set goals for yourself or determined priorities important to you, focusing on those things means not letting other activities eat into that time. It changes your focus from pro-active (you actively do things you want to do) to reactive (letting things that come up dictate your schedule).

When we agree to things we don’t enthusiastically want to do we won’t enjoy them anyway and could become resentful. Spending time on things you enjoy and want to spend your time on will make you more successful.

Speaking for myself. My husband has a wonderful saying – “I’ll speak for myself and I will let you speak for yourself.” What he means is don’t guess what the other person is thinking, don’t guess what the other person wants you to say, and don’t guess what another person thinks about a decision you made. Oftentimes, we think others will be disappointed in us or we assume what will make them happy and make our decsions from there. The more we try to guess what others are thinking, the more we are undermining ourselves and what is important to us.

No judgement. Recently I agreed to a regular social group activity after work. I then got a large client that I needed to prepare for that I hadn’t previously planned on. As I let the group know (and felt badly about it) another group member said, “There is no judgement here. We all have things that come up. You are welcome whenever it fits back into your schedule.” How refreshing that was! We judge ourselves when it is not necessary. And, in reality, we want to have continued relationships with those who are graceful and understanding to situations like these.

Adults tell. Children explain. I once had a friend tell me that when giving a “no,” it is not necessary to explain why, because “adults tell” and “children explain”. While I sometimes give a reason when I say no depending on who the person is, I remember this and most often do not. A simple “I have a commitment that day.” will do. And you do have a commitment – to yourself!

Selfish vs. Self Care. Being selfish has a negative connotation. No matter how I try to think of selfishness as an okay thing, I just can’t. What does resonate with me, though is self care. When I use the term self care, I feel confident that my decision on how I’m spending my time is right for me. It actually helps give me more energy to spend time where I am enthusiastically giving to others.

Lastly, practice does help. Clients and I role play how to say ‘no’. Hearing the words out loud can make it easier. Practice with a friend or in front of a mirror.

Saying “no” to things you don’t want to do, is important and healthy.  If you find yourself saying “yes” to things you don’t want to do, ask yourself why. 

There is power in a “no” and that is being true to yourself and who you want to be.

Stuck in your head? My favorite technique for clearing.

Is there a lot going on in your head right now?

Ah, yes.  The tasks, ideas, activities, decisions, and things that are happening around me sometimes bounce around in my head and get stuck there.   It keeps me from being focused and thinking clearly.  This makes me feel “off” and I can’t be my best self.   I found this to be a theme with many people I am talking with this week.

We all operate in “doing” and “being”.   We tend to be more in the “doing” – getting things done, or spending more time mindlessly on activities that don’t always serve us.  The flip side is the “being” place.  Stillness.  Calm.  Paying attention to what is deeply inside us.  Both are important but starting with the “being” first helps us with the “doing”.

I use a lot of basket analogies and visualizations while working with clients that are helpful.  This is one of my favorites to help calm the mind and determine a next step.

The steps to it are this:

Take deep breaths to relax.  Close your eyes if it is comfortable to you.

Notice your body in your chair.  As you continue to breathe, notice your feet and any tension you hold and release it.  Move up through your body taking time for this in each area.

Next picture all the things that are troubling you that are on your mind and visualize putting them in a basket in your head.  Collect them one by one.

Slowly move this basket down your body into your center, or the knowing part of you.  Visualize this place as a loving, knowing, warm light. 

As the basket is there, what loving things do you hear about what is in your basket or about yourself?

Continue to breathe and feel and hear all of these things.

When you are ready, open your eyes and notice how you feel.  Write down what you heard and anything from the experience you would like to remember.

This is just one technique that is very helpful to listen to your knowing or center and to bring you out of your head.  Practicing and regularly utilizing techniques such as this one, will help you to build a different muscle – your “being”.  This is a way of navigating the world around us, our next steps and, more importantly, finding peace and meaning. 

Why Doubt in Ourselves is Beneficial

What do you have desire for, but doubt you can do?

Oh, that creepy little feeling of doubt.  Last week, I talked about desire and how we can ignore our deep desires to do the things we have always wanted to do. This is so true for me in both big and small ways.  It seems that the bigger the project, the more doubt I have.  After all, it will take significant time, energy and, in some cases, money to invest in the project long term.  What if I can’t do it for the long haul?  What if it flops? What then?

Doubt is a friend of fear.  Fear of failure.  Fear of success!  But doubt is a little different because it signifies that we don’t think we have the tools, talent or stamina to do what we set out to do.  

However, doubt is a great thing!  Here are two reasons why:  

• Doubt signifies you are about to embark on something meaningful.  The reason you are questioning it is because it is something important to you.  

• Doubt is an indication of change, and therefore growth.  Since it is something that is important to you and you are questioning whether you can accomplish it, it is an opportunity to stretch yourself, learn and grow.  And, more importantly, trust yourself.  Trust that whatever you try to do will be a learning event, no matter the outcome.  

What about this do you find true for yourself?  

From here, it is helpful to use your “knowing” or center.  To revisit what this is, click here.  Then ask yourself where you are in the process of taking action on this desire.

Is it time to move forward now?  There may be other things needed to be put in place first. Make a list of what those things are and work through them.

Does it seem like the right time now but you are doubtful, and therefore afraid?

For this, recognizing  your doubt is the biggest opportunity for growth. Ask: 

• What is my “why”?  Not a “surface” why like I want more money (not that there is anything wrong with that as a component) but the very deep, “reason I am on this earth why”. 

• If I take a step in this direction what opportunities of self-growth are there for me? 

• If I don’t, then what? 

• What if I am already ready?

Your doubt is a wonderful indication. It is a sign of what’s important to you and when you take a step to fulfilling something that meaningful, growth and change can happen in ways that are unknown to us at this time.  This leads us to really cultivate what counts.

Are You Ignoring What Really Matters?

Is there something important that you have wanted to do, but haven’t? 

I am at the start of a large project that is very meaningful to me and yet am hesitating to take the next step.  Ironically, in my coaching sessions with clients there are themes that emerge that often mirror my own.  Here is this week’s theme.

We all have gifts. When we don’t use them, we can become irritable, 
stressed, “feel off”, unhappy and even depressed. 

This is where I help people – to get unstuck and tap into the gifts they have that they didn’t know were lost. 

So often, I see others going through their life ignoring something that is calling them. This happens because of what I call “clutter”- outside influences such as what we learned from our parents, interpretation of experiences and how we try to emulate or please others.  This clutter  gets in the way of who we truly are. 

What do you desire to do, or who do you desire to be?

I don’t mean surface desires, but the ones deep down in our center or knowing, not in our head.  For more about this topic, read here. 

The root of the word desire in Latin is from the phrase de sidere meaning “from the stars”.  The star is actually inside you. Here are questions to help you tap into this navigational star: 

What are you refusing to listen to, that has always been within you? 

What is a dream you have had that you are ignoring? 

What is something you know you need to do, make a decision on, or take the next step in? 

Next: List 10 things you would be honoring within yourself if you moved forward.

What is keeping you from that? 

Recognizing these areas in our life that we may be ignoring is the first step. What else is desire? The need to do something that is so momentous, it may scare us. And yet, utilizing our true gifts is what we are on this earth to do. It is how we cultivate what really counts.

Giving Myself Permission to Rest

Are you tired? I once listened to a speaker who ran marathons. Since I’m a runner and I’ve done half marathons, this caught my attention. 

He said one of the most profound things he learned in his training is this: 

A rest day is a training day.

It is scientifically proven that muscles need days off in order to rest, regenerate and grow. During exercise, the muscle is broken down and it is the rest days in which the body actually builds the muscle. 

I am reminded of this as I needed some downtime this week. I was exhausted! The challenge was that my work was also piling up. It can often be counterintuitive to rest but that’s when I can gain the most. I grow in ways that are beyond my to-do list, oftentimes bringing clarity to what is most important or to a problem that I need to solve.  When I am physically tired, I am mentally, as well. 

Here are some tips I utilize to give myself permission to stop and rest.

Recognize meaning.  I don’t know why, but it always takes me a while to realize that I’m tired. Or, if I do realize it, I ignore it. This is a good time to revisit meaning.

          What is it that is driving me to ignore the rest I need? 
          What do I need to do to give myself permission to rest? 

What can I not do today?  When I am tired but still have work to do, this is the question I ask myself. It helps me prioritize what’s most important that I do need to get done and weed out the tasks that can wait.

Actually sleep.  When I am tired, I’m not feeling my sharpest. It is easy for me to not recognize it and actually not sleep. Instead, I find myself trolling for a movie to watch or standing in the pantry mindlessly eating. Sleep is best, whether it be a nap or going to bed unusually early.

When rested, then it is a good time to revisit my goals, priorities and routines.  

          What isn’t working for me anymore? 
          What can I do differently to only work on what matters most? 
          How can I schedule more rest time? 

Rest in stillness. I find when I have this downtime, in which I’m rested, I am able to listen in a different way like in stillness or prayer.  This is when the best ideas come to me and my brain works more strategically.  

Actually taking the time to rest made me doubly productive the next day and fired up with new ideas.  This is something small that has a big impact on cultivating what counts.

Examining Routines When Stuck

Have you ever been stuck in an area of your life that used to work for you, but now doesn’t? 

This was me. For the last several months, I have been trying to figure out why my energy level was low, and why I wasn’t feeling my best. Any time this happens, I know I may not be taking care of myself emotionally and/or physically. 

After checking with my doctor and hearing all looked well, I knew it was time to look at my mental wellness.  For an excellent read on the science behind emotional issues affecting your physical body, I recommend the book The Body Keeps The Score.  

While doing this analysis, there were two major things I discovered that I used to have a routine for, but stopped doing more than a year ago. 

The first - forcing my grief. I am a recovering non-crier. For most of my life I was proud of the fact that I never cried.  Then, because this wasn’t serving me well, I created a routine to force my grief.  This routine would bring all things that were bothering me (even those I wasn’t aware of!) to come to the surface and I would cry. It is so relieving and healing. 

The second routine that had changed is because of working at home.  Lately, my exercise routine has changed. Now I wake up, work at my desk, then work out, then get back to work. I couldn’t figure out why my workouts weren’t energizing me, and why I couldn’t work out for as long as I used to. I figured it was just my age. 

Earlier this week it all changed. I examined my routines from times that I was emotionally feeling my best. You guessed it, once I discovered these missing things, I forced my grief and I started to run at 6 am again when it is quiet, the sun is coming up and I haven’t started my to-do list.  

So, I ask you: 

• Where are you stuck in your life now? 

• Was there a time that this wasn’t a sticking point for you? What has changed? 

• What routines that specifically worked for you in the past can you bring back to create positive change now? 

• Where do you need to establish new routines? 

As humans, we are all on a seesaw of life (read more about that blog here). A life filled with purpose and intention can bring us more ups than downs. Getting unstuck by examining and resetting routines is one key to this. 

How do I feel this week? Amazing, back on track, and cultivating what counts.

What Wanting to Fix Others Tells Me About Myself

This week, I had an important realization about myself.  I started to look at my loved ones around me and was focusing on what they could change about themselves that I thought would be beneficial for them.  Luckily, I caught myself and this thought pattern before I said anything! 

Once I recognized it, I had to dig deeper to find out where it was coming from.  Anytime I am focused more on other’s issues than my own, I know that this is a red flag to pay attention to – why?  Because the more I am focused on them, the less I am focused on myself.  So I will spend my energy and attention on them and their issues (that they have not asked for, mind you) rather than looking at my own.  

What are some possible areas I am avoiding paying attention to in my own life?

I have found that when I am trying to control others, it is so that I can control something in my own life that generally has nothing to do with them.  My inner self argues with this – No, it is because I love them!  I need to make their life better and help them from making mistakes! I need to save them pain!  

This is when I look in the mirror and determine what these thoughts can do for me instead of them.  What pain am I trying to save myself from?  Once I did this, I did determine something that I needed to attend to in my own life that I had been avoiding.  Ironically, once this was discovered, I stopped worrying so much about others and just enjoyed my time with them.  

Further irony - if I am not concentrating on other’s issues, then I am creating space for them to come to me with a problem on their own that they want to discuss when they are ready.  This space is so important for growth…on both our ends.  

When this happens, I remind myself to ask questions regarding their own learning and remove my desires for them in the situation - unless they specifically want suggestions.  My relationships are stronger this way and I am cultivating what really counts. 

The Key to Not Stressing Out When Things Aren't Going As Planned

A common pattern for me is becoming stressed as I work through larger projects and they aren’t going as planned. Why does this always happen? Control! I want things to go exactly as I planned them out and intend them to be.

Well, of course things do not work out that way, so here’s the number one thing I remind myself.

Let go of the outcome.

This seems counterintuitive but it’s so important. Here are my steps.

• Set my goals for my life

• Set my goals for my year or quarter

• Set my intentions to work towards these goals. These are the steps I intend to take

• Take one step at a time

Here, ironically, is where I let go of the outcome.

Instead I:

Take a step.
Learn.
Evaluate.
Adjust my goal.

I remind myself the important thing is that it doesn’t matter if I reach the goal I set, it matters to stay in the moment and take the next action and then learn from that.  

This is what will bring me to the outcome I need, rather than the outcome I want.

It is like planning for a trip and having a destination and a plan about what to see on each day. But if I am so set on my plan, I may miss a sign for an important site that I didn’t know about.   If I’m not taking the time to experience and pay attention to other meaningful stops that I stumble across, I may be missing out on the most important places to see.

Step. Learn. Evaluate. Adjust.

And cultivate what counts

Choose Your Own Adventure

I am writing this blog this morning, and I have several ideas started (when I say several, I mean seven!) - and yet I haven’t completed one of them. Hmmm, I think. Which one is the best one to write? Meanwhile, I have let my morning tick away without finishing my task.

This is a pattern that I see often for me. What is the BEST answer? What is the RIGHT decision? I have fear of future regret. What if I make the WRONG decision and regret it later? What if I write about something that causes others to think badly about me?

This reminds me of a Choose Your Own Adventure book when I was a kid. You read a scenario in the plot, and then are given choices in the plot which directs you to that next page to continue your story. The goal was to get to the BEST outcome by weighing out the options. How often in life do I sit stuck on a page?

Once I recognize I am at this point, here are some things that help me move forward:

Weight vs wait. Some decisions are larger than others and have more implications. Does my weighing of options match the wait time that it is taking for my decision? What is a reasonable amount of time before I take action?

Head, Body, Bed. Once I have used my head to logically think about options, I like to think about it from a body or center level. What is my gut telling me to do? If I still don’t know, then I check – is now the right time to make the decision? If I am sensing that now is not the time to make the decision - this is bed. I need to sleep on it.

Trusting myself. Trust yourself that your decision is based on what you know at this time given the situation.

Once I have and know the next step, what is really holding me back from taking it? Is there something I need to say, a conversation I need to have? Am I worried about hurting someone else even though I know this is what feels right to me? This is where I remind myself that everyone has their own Choose their Own Adventure book and choices they can make (stay tuned for another blog just on this – the fear of hurting others). If we all stay stuck on pages out of fear, no one is moving onto their true adventure.

10 seconds of bravery. I remind myself of this often when I become fearful about taking a next step. All I need are ten seconds of bravery to start moving forward to the next page.

The purpose is the pages. We have all heard this “It is the journey not the destination”. This is so true! Life is about learning, love, and laughter. It is that adventure of turning the page to see what is next, whatever that may be. Take time to determine what is really important to you in your life (see blog here on how to do this) then revisit it often.

There, my 10 seconds of bravery is now complete, and I am one page further in my adventure to help you cultivate what really counts in yours. Happy page turning!

The Real Reason for Your Indecision and How to Move Past it.

I am working on a project and noticed that my activity stalled. I waited, looking for inspiration, motivation and a clear answer as to what to do next. Sometimes this pause helps me, but in this case it is not. I have hesitated, and waited, for days.

Time to employ what I use with clients and coach myself (yes, I do this quite often). When given the opportunity to move forward, the thing that most often is causing the hesitation is….

Self-doubt.

Here are the steps I went through to clear my self-doubt, move me onto the next step and, more importantly, clear clutter that is stopping me from being my best self.

Revisit your why. Revisit why this goal is important to you. And I don’t mean a “surface” why like “to make money”, but why does it bring meaning to your life and others.

Name your limiting beliefs. What beliefs about yourself are holding you back right now in regard to this project (or that are on your mind currently)? Write them all down. Format: I believe I am ____________ or I believe that ____________.

Choose your "instead". For each limiting belief, write down it’s opposite – what you can choose to believe instead. Format: I am letting go of (old belief) and instead I believe ____________. Go into detail. What would you say to a friend who had this same non-serving thought? Why are you choosing to believe this instead?

Create your confirmations. Shorten each of these “instead” statements into a punchier reminder about your choice and new belief. I am _________ because ___________.

Take action or visualize letting go. Burn your old beliefs. Visualize handing them off and letting them go. Help your brain to assimilate moving on.

Now, with self-doubt removed, determine your best next step and do it today.

Final thought:

In everything you do, grip loosely. Follow your internal compass, have fun. Dream big and problem solve how to get there. When you feel torn, don’t let it tear you – pick a side, decide, and know that you made the right choice because there is a benefit and learning in all activity. It is called being alive.

How Slowing Down Helps You Get Ahead

Playing tennis is something that I enjoy. I used to think tennis was about hitting the ball as hard as I could so my opponent couldn’t get it back. Then I learned that a large part of tennis is hitting the ball where your opponent isn’t. Sounds pretty obvious, I know.

This is a big change for the game, when I need to use more strategy and finesse to win the point, rather than speed and strength. Taking this a step further, while the ball is whizzing rapid fire back-and-forth and as I am about to hit the ball, I think… slow down.

This slowing down doesn’t mean the physical pace of the ball, but actually slowing down the movement in my head, as if it is in slow motion. This allows me to watch the ball closer as I hit it, to recognize more of where my opponents have moved on the court, and to be calmer. It puts me in a “zone” to hit the ball with more purpose and intention. 

Have you ever noticed, that the calmer you are when doing a task, time actually moves slower? Compare this to the opposite. When feeling pressure to get something done and rushing, I become even more panicked as time quickly evaporates.  This is also true in life. We actually have the ability to manipulate time.

The way to do this is to (1) be purposeful about what is most important at that moment, (2) be intentional about surrendering to focus on that one thing, and then (3) to slow it down.
 
Here are some things to think about for today that can help with the slowing process.

• What three things do I want to be most intentional about in my day today?

• What do I need to let go of today that is not as important?

• What can I do to allow myself to surrender in the moment and relax, no matter what the outcome?

• What do I need to do in my life to “clear the clutter” that keeps me from doing this?

S-l-o-w d-o-w-n.

Enjoy your life.

Allow for clarity and recognition of the very moment you are in and what is really important.

Take time to cultivate what counts.

The Importance of Rituals

This week I am visiting and helping family, so my regular routines have been interrupted.  Because of this, my focus in in different areas and I am not quite feeling as centered as normal. 

Time to check in with myself to be sure I am being intentional in creating or recognizing what is meaningful to me. 

This is where my rituals come in.  My rituals are actions I regularly take to help me with this.

Revisiting goals.  This morning I re-read my goals and intentions that I wrote at the beginning of this year.  They answered the question, “If I am on my deathbed and looking back at my life and I accomplished everything that was meaningful to me, what did I do?”  Based on that, I made goals that I wanted to focus on for this year.  There is comfort in knowing that there is a long-range plan in place and that I am either still on track or adjustments need to be made.

Asking questions.  It is one thing to set goals, and then it is another to be flexible regarding what life brings your way.  This reminds me of when I plan a trip – I know the destination I want to go to, but also want to be flexible regarding other sites or events to see that I didn’t know about. This is where the real learning happens.  Life can be messy and unpredictable, and I want to be my best self in all situations.  These are some questions I ask myself:

• Am I where I want to be today given the circumstances? Why or why not?

• What are my priorities now?

• What are my intentions for making today meaningful?

• What am I proud of or grateful for in this experience?

• What learning is here for me today?

Re-centering.  Centering is coming to the calm place in me that is not in my head with all the distractions and thoughts.  For me it is in the “center” of my body, the knowing place that is deeply connected to my personal self and my purpose in life.  I re-center through mediation, walks outside and journaling.  What will help me to re-center today?

My rituals are like an exercise program.  They help me to build the muscle of listening to myself and revisiting what is important to me so I can be my best self.  One of my goals I listed for the beginning of this year?  Spend more time with family.  My rituals reminded me I am right where I want to be.

Why I Pay Special Attention to What I Tell Myself

I have a lot of thoughts in my head. Many serve me very well.  

Some don’t.  I refer to anything in my head that holds me back, as “clutter”. 

Recently, I made an observation.  For most of my life, I was not a runner.   I tried to run track as a child, but I didn’t like running.   I was okay, but it was uncomfortable, and I got bored.   From early on I told myself that I was just not made for running. 

Ten years ago, a friend asked if I would start running with her. “No, I am not a runner”’ I replied.  She encouraged me to try.   We started slow, with a short distance, and then overtime built on that and eventually I did my first half marathon. 

Over the years, I have run consistently about 15 miles a week and have done several races.  Now I enjoy running. It is one of my favorite things.  However, there is one thought I recognized the other day before I set out to run. Every time I leave, I think I hope I finish my run today because I am not a runner. 

I calculated the number of miles I have run over a decade - somewhere around 8,000. It is interesting to me that I continue to tell myself this untruth.  It got me thinking about other concepts I think about myself that may not be true and yet I still believe.

In order to reroute this thinking, I asked myself these questions: 

• What ideas do I believe about myself from my childhood or past that may not be serving me anymore? 

• What evidence do I have that this thought is true? 

• What benefits would I receive from letting this concept go to make room for something new? 

• What thought or idea can I replace for this thought that doesn’t serve me now?

Since that moment of realization, I still have that untrue thought each time I head out. However, now I replace it with a visualization of how strong and happy I can be on a run, and instead I think I AM a runner. 

Do you know what? The miles I have logged since that time have been some of my best.

The Solution to Impatience - Recognizing "B to Y"

Impatience is a theme with many of my clients lately - impatience with wanting business deals to move faster…impatience with isolation and wanting it over…impatience with other people.  We most certainly have all become impatient at some point in our lives, typically when we have a lot of ideas and want to move quickly with something.  However, I have learned that there is value to be gained during this time of waiting, if we know how to recognize it.

Impatience happens when I want to move from the point I am at, Point A, and get to the end, Point Z, quickly.  I just want it to happen – and to skip all the points in between, Points B to Y. Or, it could be that I am already at Point Z, and I am impatient that someone else is not there with me.

When this happens, there are some reminders I like to utilize:

Trust the process.  This is a big one for me.  Right now, I am writing a book and it is hard!  I just want it to be done and skip all the work in between.   It is taking me longer than I would like, so I remind myself there are invaluable things I’m learning from “B to Y”.  This is also true when I am waiting for others to make a decision and move forward on something that impacts me.  In the case of my book writing, I am finding that new concepts are coming to me that will be beneficial to readers as my process is unfolding, which makes the "B to Y" wait completely worth it.

Breadcrumbs.  This comes in handy when teaching others.  Yes, this is a reference to Hansel and Gretel leaving a trail of breadcrumbs through the woods so they could find their way.  When I find I am impatient with others, it is usually because I have gone to Point Z, but maybe haven’t given them breadcrumbs to understand how I got to “Z”, or maybe haven’t allowed them time to spread their own breadcrumbs to get there.  It is a great reminder that people work in different ways.  

Here are some questions that are helpful when it comes to impatience: 

• What have I learned about myself in this process today?

• What is beneficial about having more time in which this process is taking place? 

• What is beneficial about waiting for others to go through their process? 

• At what point does it make sense for me to allow a process to unfold, but then check on progress?

I have come to realize that “B to Y” is where most of my growth is and yet is the part that I want to skip.  Just like working out and developing muscles, the B to Y place is where muscles are being strengthened to help me be stronger for the activity to come.  Yet, if I don’t take time to recognize it, I don’t know it is happening.  Being aware of this place can help to reduce my impatience and help me to cultivate what counts as I move patiently to the next steps.

Why I No Longer Try to Achieve Balance

I used to try to achieve balance in my life with my goals and activities. No longer. Instead I like to think of every intention in terms of a teeter totter (or seesaw, depending on what it was for you as a child).

If you are on one end of a teeter totter and balanced….what? You just sit there. There is no movement or activity. Nothing to spur thinking, no excitement, no learning. It’s quite boring, actually.

If the teeter totter is moving (like my life), I have some highs and lows. During the highs, it is exciting! I take a risk and push off. I “teeter” with my surroundings and stretch my boundaries and can “see” different views. It can be exhilarating and a great opportunity for growth and learning.

At some point, because of forces in the world around me, or my own needs, I swing down to the lower part of the teeter totter. Down here “totter” - I have my feet on the ground and can be more thoughtful about what I “saw”. I can rest and gain strength for my next push. I can look to the sky and plan for future possibilities.

This is more how my life operates and is now how I embrace it, instead of seeking balance. There are sometimes weeks where I am more focused on coaching or a project, some days where I need to focus more on my health, or some periods where my kids are home and I focus on family.

Setting my goals and intentions then revisiting them regularly helps me to be aware of what is important to me at that time. I no longer look for balance, but rather, accept these different swings. The ebb and flow are needed for me to learn, grow and see new opportunities. This is what it takes for me to be fully alive and truly cultivate what counts.

Two Things the Erode Confidence - And What to Do About Them

Oh, having confidence. This is a main topic of many of my coaching conversations and one that I think of regarding myself. There are two significant areas in which I see confidence hindered.  

1.  Assuming other’s expectations or opinions of me. There are times when I find myself guessing what other’s expectations or opinions of me are. These thoughts can be about whether I am bringing enough to the situation or whether I am representing myself in the best way. 

Sometimes, these thoughts can keep bouncing in my head, which snap my energy and steal my joy. No good. Time to do some clarifying questions.

What evidence do I have that this is real? In what ways am I showing up as myself, to the best of my ability, in this situation? How are my intentions in this situation aligned with the person I want to be?

Once I do this clarifying, it often helps to remind myself that who I am is enough.  Occasionally, thoughts still linger and, if they do, I move to the next step. 

Prove it. Is there a way I can ask someone else to see if my assumptions are true? 

I am seeing this a lot lately with clients wondering what their bosses thoughts about them are. Because of COVID, job expectations have not been re-outlined, leaving them unsure and feeling as if they are not doing good work. How can this be proved? Ask for a meeting to outline expectations and get feedback. 

In other cases, if I am wondering how I came across in a situation, I occasionally will ask someone that I trust. Can you provide me feedback on how I represented myself? The feedback is data to know whether my assumptions about myself are real. 

2. Comparisons. There are so many times I compare myself to others and think I am lacking.

This happened recently when I turned down a committee position to leave time to work on other projects. Later, I noticed another person doing so much more volunteer work than myself. I started to wonder why I said no and felt as if I wasn’t doing enough.

Time to revisit my goals and intentions for myself. What have I set out as my priorities? Reminding myself where I determined to best spend my gifts will put me back in alignment with my purpose. This is where I will focus on what is important to me, and truly shine.

And, finally, I remind myself that anytime I am either comparing myself to others or assuming expectations or opinions, I am not living in the present moment. I may be missing what opportunities I have now to be my best self and move forward creating new moments in which I show up in the world - just as I am.

Developing and Strengthening a New Muscle: Your Center

When setting goals and intentions, there is another piece that becomes very important to utilize and develop – your center.  The world is moving so fast and there is an abundance of information and distraction.  Because of this, I often see individuals are not tapping into this gift they already have. 

So, what is your center? There are two places that I see with clients in which processing comes from – their head or their center. 

When trying to solve a problem, generally they start by telling me how they are working it through in their head – this is taken from experiences or learning. 

When I see that happening, many times we talk about bringing this out of their head and down into their center.  There are different names for this.  Your center is the “knowing” part of you that sometimes defies logic.  It is an intuitive sense or “gut” knowing or feeling.

Because of distractions we tend to dismiss this as not real, or we have been taught to think of it as not important.  But tapping into this center or knowing part is one of the strongest tools we have as humans that we tend to ignore.  Some people have a stronger sense about what this is generally because of their belief in it, or they have developed it.

What I always start with is recognition of these differences – Where are you working on this solution in your body?  After recognizing it is being worked on in the head, we move it down. 

This can be done with a few calming breaths and actually picturing bringing it down out of the head and into the knowing center.  I may ask a few questions about this like:

• What do you know about why this is important to you?

• What is the real purpose here?

• What is your gut sense of this and what is it telling you?

An example of this often comes up when I am writing this blog each week. Many times, I start by solving it in my head. I write it on my calendar and keep asking the question – What am I going to talk about? Nothing comes. I block out time in my calendar to write. Still, nothing comes. Then I start to worry a little that I won’t be able to write at all.

What works is when I recognize my head thinking and instead bring it down into my center. What is my true purpose here? To provide meaning and insight to individuals so they can live with more purpose. So, what does one person really need to hear from me that would be meaningful? Then, all of a sudden, I can write a blog.

Some other ways that this “head to center” can be developed are through:

• Meditation or prayer

• Writing thoughts out on paper, especially automatic writing, in which you write whatever comes to mind

• Paying attention to your body and what signals the body gives you physically. It is amazing to me when someone in a session is in their head trying to solve a problem and I ask them where they feel it – tightness in chest, tightness in throat – when they bring it down to their center they feel calmness in their body.

I am not knocking head thinking.  It is really helpful.  These are all things we have learned.  But that, in conjunction with checking in with your “knowing”, is really powerful.  

Developing this different muscle takes practice and is incredibly worth it!

The Beauty of Being Unconventional

Recently I was with a friend who shared a business idea that she had been thinking about.

The focus of this business is something she spent decades working in and around with other companies. She had oodles of real-life experience with it. She saw one of her next steps to be to find a partner who had education, training, and accreditation on the topic since she didn’t.

Normally I don’t just yell things out when talking with someone, but I’m pretty sure “no!” spontaneously jumped out of me. I have absolutely nothing against trained, educated people. Matter of fact, knowing that information can be helpful.  My point to her was that she would be bringing a different viewpoint and experience that others have not seen. These ideas could get lost if put into the conventional thought currently taught on the subject.

This comes up quite often when coaching individuals. I hear “Well, I know I’m supposed to do it this way, but…”, and then what usually follows after that is a statement of unhappiness.  I see this in situations in which people have years of successful experience and yet question their methods.  This can surface in their position at their company, how they manage their time or resources, or when determining choices for next steps in business.

Here are some questions that I ask when this comes up.

• What examples do you have in which using your methods or instinctive plan worked for you?

• In what ways are you successful though it may seem impractical or different from how it is conventionally done?

• If in five years from now you won an award for being an expert in this field, what would you have done?  What would it look like if you could do it your own way? How is this different then how it is currently being done?

• What “calls” you to be created? What has continued to surface for you over time that you have dreamed of doing?

I utilize these questions often in my own work. Recently having cofounded a new company, the uniqueness in which the mission is being carried out is resonating with people and making a difference in a new way (see thetableaction.com).  

How are you bringing your gifts to the world in a unique way? Systems and processes are created so we can relate and operate with a unified understanding. However, stepping outside of this can offer new perspectives and growth helpful to both others and yourself.