Not All Grief is Obvious

On Saturday, my daughter went back to college after being home for two months.  She is a senior, and this has happened many times over the last few years.  On Monday, I had a tough time concentrating on work, and I didn’t feel right.  What is happening here? 

Time to dive into myself and see what is going on.  There are several things happening. Breaking them down helps me to understand my situation and get back on track. 

Grief.  Grief can happen in both big and small ways.  In this case, I am grieving in a small way.  When a pattern in my life has been disrupted, or my future changes from what I thought it would be, I grieve.  In the case of my daughter leaving, I miss her and the moments that we have together.  I have learned that ignoring the grief can be harmful.  If it is prolonged, it will show itself in different ways such as continued lack of motivation, poor habits, or getting sick.  This is where I purposely let the feeling come up and journal about it.  The more impact the event has had on me, the longer it can take, and it doesn’t follow a neat path of improvement.  Just when I think I am done grieving; it can come back. 

Grief developed from bigger events can be more obvious – a death, a traumatic event – but even then, I find it is easy to ignore what a large impact it has on my life. I like to think of it in terms of a physical injury. For instance, what would this pain be like if I described it physically? Well, I feel like my heart has been bruised and that I lost my arm. If that is the case, what amount of healing would you allow yourself?

Transition. My husband and I talk about transition a lot. We need transition time in between events in our day – changing from a work meeting to quality time with each other, for instance. It helps to recognize the transition time – now I need time to transition from my daughter being in the house, to not. What do I need during this time? How will I be gentle with myself? What healthy things can I do to provide space for the transition?

Cycles. The universe operates in cycles. Life begins and ends for different events and periods of time. Relationships come and go, stages of life change. I ask – what is positive about this change? It is positive that my daughter is growing and moving to her next stage in life. This is one of my goals as a parent and is to be celebrated. What new things would I like to cultivate in the space provided?

Recognizing when I am in one of these phases is extremely helpful. It allows me to give myself time and make some decisions about how I would like to move forward. It helps me to understand that pain, whether mental or physical, is worth honoring.