The Irony of Intimacy
I am generally a very private person. Over the years I have learned to be less guarded, more accepting of others where they are, and bolder in what I say and do. For me, it is a work in progress…and well, pretty dang scary.
A buzz word right now is authentic – being your true self. Intimacy is a piece of this and refers to an emotional intimacy rather than a physical one. The word can be broken down to “in-to-see-me”. It is allowing people to see who you really are inside. This is knowing and speaking what you want and sharing more deeply about yourself in the right instances.
Here are some things I learned about this process.
Intimacy creates a bond. I once attended a coaching training with people from all over the world. The first question we had to answer in our small groups was – share something about yourself you don’t want most people to know. As you can imagine, it was a surprising discussion. The irony is that we bonded so quickly, our conversations from that point were more open, honest, authentic and we all got more from it that was impactful to our lives. We still get together on our own as a group today.
Everyone has their “stuff”. As humans we make judgments about people based on appearance, but everyone has their experiences or thoughts that they struggle with. The more I share about myself in a safe environment, the more it opens the opportunity for others to do the same with me. This allows for the possibility to find similarities and share a deeper connection.
Being intimate attracts your people. When I first started dating my now husband, I was working with a therapist to understand myself better. My natural tendency during this time was to stop the relationship until this process was finished (what I didn't know then is it is never finished!). Advice was given to me to share this with him instead of retreating. I can’t do that, I thought. He will think badly of me. What ironically happened was the opposite. Not only did he feel closer to me, but I felt closer to him. As I let people see the real me, I attract the type of people that I want to continue to have a connection with. These relationships are deeper and more satisfying.
Assess timing and safety. Blurting out my innermost thoughts and experiences in a new relationship is not always appropriate. Here are some questions I ask myself to determine if it is safe to do so.
Do I trust this person?
Does this person seem open to having a deeper conversation?
Would I like to deepen my relationship with this person?
Are there any signs or reasons in which this person may not be ready for an intimate conversation?
You may get an intimacy hangover. When I am out of my comfort zone, I occasionally regret having an intimate conversation. Why did I say that? It was too personal! The irony is that more often than not, these relationships strengthen. My “hangovers” are less frequent, and now I congratulate myself for being uncomfortable and creating the environment for an open discussion.
The irony of intimacy is that it attracts people to me who bring me more meaningful relationships and this, in turn, brings me happiness. More importantly it allows me to trust myself, be my authentic self, and show up in the world as I am.