Why I Stopped Comparing Myself to Others
Years ago, when I was at the lowest moment in my life, I went to therapy. The therapist asked me questions about how I felt about the events that were happening, decisions I needed to make, or thoughts about myself. A common answer I had was “I don’t know.”
One of the reasons I became a coach is because of what I have come to believe regarding all people:
That we are born with an internal “compass” that applies to our life only
That this compass is a gift - giving us our direction or our “knowing” for what will make our life meaningful
That everyone is just trying to do their best to be successful in life
But this can get muddled through our lives because we can get further and further from the knowing as external forces influence us. This can be done through influence from our parents, teachers, or those affecting our growth (obvious or unconscious). It also can come from systemic circumstances and how we perceive ourselves based on this external information. We try to make meaning of who we are. If we bring in this external information and don’t compare it to our own knowing, our own compass, we can end up bouncing through life like a ball in a pinball machine. We wait to find that place to rest and find fulfillment with ourselves.
This was my experience. I absorbed this external data and didn’t think to check it against who I was inside. The more this happened, the more I became confused, not confident, and drifted (successfully by outside standards) for years without knowing the source of my stress. I made choices that I thought would make others happy or that were based on what they thought I should do. I compared myself to others and felt as if I was lacking in some way. I searched for the next best “right” move by looking for affirmation from others.
What I know to be true now is that I am calmer and more fulfilled when I tap into the knowing part of me. This knowing part lives internally rather than externally and lives in my body rather than my head. It is the soul, the gut, the centered part of me that is intuitive, not searching or frantic. I have had previous evidence that when I trust this, there is good that comes. The more I trust it, the more evidence I have. It can take time to find it and remember to use it.
This knowing isn’t always practical on the surface based on the outside evidence I have been taught. It tells me I can’t do things a certain way, that it doesn’t make sense, or that others don’t do this. It is this outside information that tells us to conform. Yet this compass that is just ours doesn’t always want us to do things the practical way. For those of you who are Harry Potter fans, it reminds me of when Harry drinks the potion “Liquid Luck”. He is instantly spellbound in actions he doesn’t understand and seemingly don’t make sense, yet it gets him exactly where he needs to be. I often think that if I drank Liquid Luck, I would just go with what my compass tells me. We all have this Liquid Luck already inside us.
So how do you find it and tap into it? I know what works for me, my clients, and what my coach reminds me (hey, I wouldn’t fully believe in the power of coaching if I didn’t have my own!).
Here are some things that have helped me:
Recognition and awareness that this internal knowing exists
Breathing or meditating to get into a calmer space and visualizing bringing the thoughts from my head, down into my body into this knowing place
Developing a routine or practicing it on a regular basis
Trusting my intuition and journaling the result because sometimes I don’t see where it is helpful right away, but it becomes clearer as time passes
Asking for help from someone who can you get in touch with this part of yourself – a friend or coach
I will end with a poem I wrote that reminds me of the uniqueness in all of us, and that if we listen to our internal self as our guide, it leads us to who we are and what we are meant to be.
I found a land
Where enough is enough
Where who I am
Is plenty to love
The borders are choice
Of I’ll speak for me
I have my own voice
And intimacy
So, my traveling had ended
In this peaceful land
Whether alone or befriended
I’m free to be who I am
It’s not over, this journey
But there’s no need to roam
Self-discovery has taught me
That being me…is home.