Just Do it My Way! Lessons On Controlling Others.
I used to think I had to control everything, including people. I used to think my success in my career and raising a family was because of it. I had everything under control! Until I didn’t.
Early on, the more responsibility I had, the more I wanted to control the people around me, including my work team, my spouse and my kids. I thought I was mostly the reason that they succeeded or failed and had a direct correlation on what they did. Not only that, but that their success or failure was a direct reflection on me and whether I was a “good” person or not – a good boss or a good parent.
I used to tell people what they should do and then be upset when they wouldn’t do it. Fear would set in. Why are they not doing it the way I said? Don’t they know they will fail and once this happens, they will be miserable and feel pain? Their failure is going to reflect poorly on me!
What I didn’t realize is there is a time and point in any relationship where my responsibility ends and the other person’s starts. What I didn’t realize is that if I don’t allow for this to happen, I am making this person more dependent on me, which is not my intent. Not consciously working toward independence is harmful to both of us.
I learned ways to help me not want to control others.
Examine my rules. There are some rules that need to be kept for the safety or security of others. Ethical business practices. Don’t run out into the street. This is true in business and definitely true as kids are growing and learning. But I found I didn’t know where certain rules came from. After looking further, I realized they were either taught to me (by parents, others or society) or were institutionally in place even though they did not matter.
As an example, I used to tell my kids, “you must go to college”. I came to realize this didn’t make sense for everyone. After examination, my real purpose was for my kids to develop into independent, happy, contributing members of society. There are other ways to do that.
Share knowledge, then ask. It wasn’t until later that I learned the knowledge and experience I have can be shared and then followed with an invitation for the other person to use their own critical thinking and assess what to do with it. There is power in using an “I“ statement such as “I found, based on my experience ______ . What do you think?”
This invites more critical thinking, more personal learning and more opportunity for each person to tap into their own internal gifts they have to bring to the situation. It allows for discussion and ownership.
Recognize where my responsibility stops and theirs starts. My responsibility is sharing my experience, knowledge, or facts, then allowing for the other person to take responsibility. When they become accountable, it does not mean it will be done the way I want it to be done.
I am giving up control to let others take it while providing support and feedback when appropriate.
Set expectations and agreements. Expectations are what you expect. Agreements are what you both agree to. Both are important, but if “agreement” is not met to create buy-in, then a critical part is missing.
Once these two things are in place, then it is easier to give up the control of the process and let growth or consequence (also growth!) naturally take place. This is the best way of learning.
Do I still worry about others and their outcomes? Sometimes. However, after working through these steps I have much more peace reminding myself, “It is not time for me to own this now. It is their responsibility”.