Do You Say “Yes” When You Want To Say “No”?
I recently met with a client who planned four back-to-trips, some work and some fun. She was fearing the upcoming months – even though they were filled with many activities she was previously looking forward to – and wanted to discuss how to survive the months ahead. The real discussion became why she was saying yes to items that she didn’t want to do.
This is a scenario I hear of often and can relate to. Here are some reminders that help me accept that saying no is not only okay, but healthy.
Is this something I really want to do? This is my first check. If the answer is an enthusiastic “yes”!, I am in. If I start thinking it is something I “should” do – that is a warning flag. More often than not, I say no to those things I think I “should” do because…
…When you say yes to something, you are saying no to something else. Time is one thing we have that, when it is gone, it is lost forever. If you have set goals for yourself or determined priorities important to you, focusing on those things means not letting other activities eat into that time. It changes your focus from pro-active (you actively do things you want to do) to reactive (letting things that come up dictate your schedule).
Speaking for myself. My husband has a wonderful saying – “I’ll speak for myself and I will let you speak for yourself.” What he means is don’t guess what another person is thinking, don’t guess what another person wants you to say, and don’t guess what another person thinks about a decision you made. The more we try to guess what others are thinking, the more we are undermining ourselves and what is important to us.
No judgement. Recently I agreed to a regular social group activity after work. I then got a large client that I needed preparation time for. As I let the group know (and felt badly about it) another group member said, “There is no judgement here. We all have things that come up. You are welcome whenever it fits back into your schedule.” How refreshing that was! We judge ourselves when it is not necessary. And, in reality, we want to have continued relationships with those who are graceful and understanding to situations like these.
Adults tell. Children explain. I once had a friend tell me that when giving a “no,” it is not necessary to explain why, because “adults tell” and “children explain”. A simple “I have a commitment that day.” will do. And you do have a commitment – to yourself!
Saying “no” to things you don’t want to do, is important and healthy. If you find yourself saying “yes” to things you don’t want to do, ask yourself why.
There is power in a “no” and that is being true to yourself and who you want to be.
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