I’ll Speak for Me, You Speak for You
My husband is a very wise man. Right when we started dating, he mentioned it was important for him to be transparent about how we felt and to not assume anything for the other person. What a refreshing concept! I think about this often in my relationships, whether work or personal.
This was especially important to me since I have learned over the years that I am someone who is highly in tune with other’s moods and energy. There are pros and cons to this. I can “read” people very quickly beyond what they say and do. This is beneficial in many scenarios – as a Mother and wife, in business relationships, a public speaker, etc.
A potential downside, however, is how I interpret this information and what I do with it – particularly those I am close to or around regularly. In these cases, there is more opportunity for me to guess what is going on with that person and how it might relate to me. I start asking questions in my head like “Why is that person so sullen toward me?”, “What did I do?”, “Did I bother him or her when I said X, Y or Z? Is that why they are acting this way?”, “Maybe I could make this person feel better if I _____.” Whoa, whoa, whoa.
This is where the “I’ll speak for me, you speak for you” concept is helpful to me. Here’s how:
Express what I am sensing using an “I” statement. Now I to recognize when I am trying to solve what is happening with the other person. Next, I ask something like, “I am sensing some negativity from you. Am I reading that correctly?” And then I just listen.
Don’t assume it is me. The majority of the time, it has nothing to do with me. It’s something my husband is facing at work, it is a decision my child is trying to make about school, it’s a co-worker with a problem at home. Either way, I listen and ask questions for understanding.
Listen and ask questions for understanding. I have two techniques that work really well for this. One is an old salesperson suggestion in which you take the last word in a sentence that someone says and ask it again with a question. Here is an example: Daughter – “I am just trying to make a decision.” Me – “Decision?”. Daughter – “Yes, there is this project at school, and I am trying to figure out the best way to go about it”. Me – “Go about it?”. You get the idea. The beauty of this is it helps them think through what they are thinking and sometimes solve it as they are talking. Finishing with a “How do you feel about that?” question also helps if this isn’t already expressed.
Recognize when I am going into fixing mode. This is such a tough one for me! I have taken a cue from my husband who is really good about asking a simple “What do you need?” Usually, my answer is “nothing” because just him listening is helpful. He sometimes finishes with “I’m letting you speak for yourself. Know I am here if anything changes.” Many times, when I ask someone what they need the answer is “I don’t know.” Offering to brainstorm what they may need can be helpful.
Ask permission on anything else. “Would you like some advice?” or “Can I share with you some thoughts I have?” are questions that are helpful here.
The “I’ll speak for me, you speak for you” concept works best if both people understand that it is in place and agree with it. It allows each person to take ownership for themselves and their communication, giving greater opportunity for the bond and safety in the relationship to flourish.
Do you have a problem or topic you would like to learn more about? Please let me know and I would be happy to answer it anonymously in a future blog.