Say It With Me, Everybody…No!

This blog is back by popular demand as activities in the fall increase and we head into the holidays.  

Do you have a hard time saying no?  A consistent theme among many of my clients is saying yes to too many things and then regretting it.  I can fall into this pattern, as well, and have learned to be diligent regarding my schedule and what I am saying yes to. 

Here are some reminders that help me accept that saying no is not only okay, but healthy.

Is this something I really want to do?  This is my first check.  If the answer is an enthusiastic “yes”!  – I am in.  If I start thinking it is something I “should” do – that is a warning flag.  Should means you are trying to talk yourself into it.  How come?  What is the real reason you want to say yes to something you don’t want to do?

Time is one thing we have that when it is gone, it is lost forever.  When you say yes to something, you are saying no to something else.  If you have set goals for yourself or determined priorities important to you, focusing on those things means not letting other activities eat into that time.  It changes your focus from proactive (you actively do things you want to do) to reactive (letting things that come up dictate your schedule). 

When we agree to things we don’t enthusiastically want to do we won’t enjoy them anyway and could become resentful.  Spending time on things you enjoy and want to spend your time on will make you more successful.  In the case of my client, she realized that she agreed to a trip with her friend when she really didn’t want to, she just felt guilty saying no.

Speaking for myself.  My husband has a wonderful saying – “I’ll speak for myself and I will let you speak for yourself.”  What he means is don’t guess what the other person is thinking, don’t guess what the other person wants you to say, and don’t guess what another person thinks about a decision you made.  Oftentimes, we think others will be disappointed in us or we assume what will make them happy and make our decisions from there.  The more we try to guess what others are thinking, the more we are undermining ourselves and what is important to us.

No judgment.  Recently I agreed to a regular social group activity after work.  I then got a large client that had preparation time I needed that I hadn’t previously planned on.  As I let the group know (and felt badly about it) another group member said, “There is no judgment here.  We all have things that come up.  You are welcome whenever it fits back into your schedule.”  How refreshing that was!  We judge ourselves when it is not necessary.  And, in reality, we want to have continued relationships with those who are graceful and understanding to situations like these.

Adults tell.  Children explain.  I once had a friend tell me that when giving a “no,” it is not necessary to explain why, because “adults tell” and “children explain”.  While I sometimes give a reason when I say no depending on who the person is, I remember this and most often do not.  A simple “I have a commitment that day.” will do.  And you do have a commitment – to yourself!

Selfish vs. Self Care.  Being selfish has a negative connotation.  No matter how I try to think of selfishness as an okay thing, I just can’t.  What does resonate with me, though, is self care.   When I use the term self care, I feel confident that my decision on how I’m spending my time is right for me and actually helps give me more energy to spend on time when I am enthusiastically giving to others. 

Lastly, practice does help.  Clients and I role play how to say ‘no’.  Hearing the words out loud can make it easier.  Practice with a friend or in front of a mirror.

Saying “no” to things you don’t want to do, is important and healthy.  If you find yourself saying “yes” to things you don’t want to do, ask yourself why. 

There is power in a “no” and that is being true to yourself and who you want to be.

This is you.  Illuminated.